Fac Simile

I promise I'll try to sleep in a while. But what can I say now? Well, you tell me.

"Sorry" - but for what, he said - sorry for not being there, sorry for not being by your side when you weren't there for yourself."

Oh, and I gotta tell you, I have not been there for myself most of my life, so I really missed you, mate.

But what a guy can do when all he's got is this strange and peculiar force that drives him forward. It's not like I want this, or as if I wish for it or anything. And I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, not at all. All I'm saying is that it's kinda of out of my control. I Just have to drive forward, and because of that I miss a lot of things in the way. I miss having someone by my side, someone to care about me and from whom I don't bother accepting help. Yeah, I really miss that, and I miss having fun without feeling guilty about it. I really don't remember when was the last time that happened. I keep felling that having fun is a kind of sin and that I'm not built for that. I'm supposed to do the right thing and my mind has it very clearly what it means by "the right thing".

It's not just the invisible hand pushing me forward - that is this annoying sense of "know it all". Wich is not always translated in arrogance, because I really wish for not being that way, but often it is. I never new what to do with this feeling. And for all my life I just accepted and kept being this obnoxious, pretentious, fat bastard. If I know anything? Yeah, I know something. I know quite a good deal about what I feel. But that was never enough. But about the world, altough I have this sense of not exactly knowing, but being able to understand each and every aspect of the world, I know nothing. What experience tells me is that I really don't know anything at all. I wish I did though.

During the last couple of months I took a decision, and I can't say if it was a easy or a hard one, it's just the one I came to it. If I'm supposed to live life like that, if I'm supposed to build everything up from scratch, then I'll be good as hell doing it so. I'm far from that, really, really far, but now I know that it is a way and not a fall, a road, not a drifting. I don't want to drift through life, I'll swim across it, and I'll strive for each stroke to be perfect, not quite in it's form or efficiency, but in it's consistency of being. And then, someday I'll be gone. If I can't have a child or build a family of my own, I'll at least make sure that everything I wish I have taught him or her is in public domain. But the things I'll miss learning, I'll always be bitter about those.

So far I have told you that I'm lonely, pretentious and that the only thing that motivates me is something that I really don't know what it is, but makes me feel real bad and guilty when I'm not trying my best to do things right. But I'm not willing to fix any of this. This are the things that are left of me, I respect that, and I'll make my best to respect whatever comes in my way. For now, I'm this lonely beggar, beggin for nothing, but tomorrow, or even later today, I might be someone else. You doubt it? Look at yourself, you've listened to me, that already made my day.

I am but I shouldn't be shy to bet that this song is about me. And I shouldn't be ashamed of felling terrified about ending my days like this as well. After all, that's what always been in my mind. I know I see myself not being able to pay my debt, being overwhelmed by life once again. Nonetheless, today I'm not here to make sense, but to write things as they come to me. I've edited some bits, but for the most part, I just wrote the words that came to my head, in the order they did. And no, I wish it was someone speaking trough me, but I think that this is just some me, speaking trough myself.

Good night.

Quantos dias dos quais não sei nada a respeito já se passaram, dias que não tive por não escolher tê-los. Ou só viveria os dias destinados a viver. Mas eu sei que perdi muita coisa, ou será a hora que eu fizer algo a respeito a hora de fazer algo a respeito? Há destino ao meu lado ou rindo da minha cara. E quanta vontade desfeita, por defeito, ou depseito, ou esperança vencida. Não sei quantos dias perdi mas vou me contentar com os que tive.